The Surrender Paradox

Apparently the key to a career pivot isn't confidence. It's surrender.

My wife broke that little life nugget to me a few nights ago.

During "dinner prep" (yes, she still calls it that), my #chefwife casually asked if I had heard of the surrender paradox. Not really expecting a deep philosophical discussion while serving in my typical role as rather clueless sous chef, I replied, "uhhh, yeah… I think so" (I had not).

She looked me in the eye and started with that matter-of-fact tone she saves for moments when she knows she's about to disrupt my worldview.

And damn if she didn't. Thanks.

The surrender paradox, she explained, was the idea that you gain clarity, strength, and forward momentum by releasing your perceived control of outcomes instead of fighting harder for it. Basically, flow with your circumstances, whatever they may be, instead of fighting against them. 

Hmmm… okay. I think I'm tracking...

But I wondered what she was getting at. The idea that releasing your grip might actually leave room for gaining more control (not less) seemed a bit counterintuitive. (Not gripping too tightly was never my strong suit.)

She jumped in with an example, noticing I was still grappling with the concept. "Listen, don't think of surrender as giving up, but as getting stronger. Look at what we did when we decided to move to Portugal."

Ahhh… that's where she was going.

Our upcoming move to Portugal was completely off-brand for me, founded as it was on not really having a plan… more of a plan to have a plan maybe. I stopped trying to map every step. Stopped needing answers before taking action. Could it be that letting go of the careful planning and religious implementation of said plan (which was my original intent) was the best thing I could have done?

Short answer: Yes.

The conversation sat with me and kept percolating.

Shaken worldview aside, I found myself with a more practical (ego-driven, to be honest) pang. Earlier this year, I'd written about confidence as the starting point for a pivot—the thing you needed first before anything else. Turns out, I'd gotten the sequence wrong.

Because the truth is… confidence (important as it is) doesn't come first in a career pivot. Surrender does.

Not the passive kind.

The powerful, surrender-paradox kind.

The kind that allows you to say: "I can stop wrestling the uncertainty. I can stop pretending I can out-muscle not knowing. I can stop gripping the old version of myself or my career like they're the only versions available."

Turns out, letting go isn't the end of the story. It's often just the beginning.

So, rhetorical question for you to ponder: what's one thing you finally let go of… that made everything else possible?

Because I'm learning that sometimes the strongest thing you can do is stop fighting so hard.